Relationships…. Why are some so special? My children, my parents, my friends…Why are these people more important to me than others? Would I not do the same things for and think the same ways of others as I do for those I am in special relationships with?
No, I don’t… Why not?
What if a stranger acted the way that one of my hurting children or friend, who was hurting did? When my ‘special people’ act out it, are unkind or forgetful these behaviours affect me on a different level then when others display the same behaviours. I begin to judge.
I thought about the woman who FB friended me, and then deleted me… It didn’t bother me. And, then about the fellow who cursed at me from his car window the other day. That didn’t move me either.
How is it that I know that the actions of some people are about them… But with others… These special people, I see and feel things differently… I make their actions, behaviours and choices about me and it hurts. It has to do with judging not so much my special people, but myself.
I become defensive, I turn “it” into something I have done or, not done or, said or, not said. This comes from a place of guilt. Finally, I have come to a point in my life where I no longer want to harbour guilt. Guilt is exhausting, heavy, negative and painful…
Guilt keeps me stuck in the past. In terms of egoic thinking, I will never have done enough or been enough to satisfy my special people. So, my ego believes… Sigh.
Where to begin…?
Help me out here… Universal Truth… Help me to see this illusive thinking around specialness. Help me to see the Truth. Shouldn’t I love and treat everyone equally?
Should I treat everyone as I treat my special people or, should I treat everyone as I treat strangers? I am kind to strangers… Even more tolerant. I have no attachments to their behaviours. I judge less…
Even if I were to treat everyone as I want to be treated, that would be damaging too… My ego tells me things that a part of me knows… Are not true about myself. I don’t do enough of this, and I do too much of that… Here, I judge the most…
Based on these criticisms alone, I cannot trust how I feel about myself. And, so how could I ask others to treat me as I sometimes treat or speak to myself? I need an affirmation here…
Thank you for showing me the purpose of all my special relationships.
Thank you for showing me the symbols that reveal my attachments to wanting this specialness in my life… Wanting or desiring to be special, holding on to the illusion that I need to be different, even if it means holding on to the pain that I feel, the illusions that I have believed to keep me from knowing what Love truly is.
The illusions of human love… Egoic love. The desire to be a one and only to someone else, the best parent, the best daughter, best sister, best worker, best writer, best photographer, best lover and partner, best friend… The desire to be the best or, special in someone else’s eyes.
Ironically, I don’t even know what the “best” means… But, whenever this desire shows itself, becomes a spark, if I choose to make something out of nothing, I am feeding the flame of wanting to be special. I am stoking the ego.
Today, I choose differently.
Today, I choose Love. I ask myself, “Is this thought, feeling or impression about this ‘person, place or thing, loving?” If not, then I hand it over, so that the truth of the matter may be revealed me.
When I see how this special relationship is feeding my egoic need for wanting to be a “one and only” or “special,” I am opening further to Love’s reality because I am seeing how I am using guilt about myself to maintain a desire for specialness. I don’t need specialness in my life to love myself or anyone else, for that matter.
Someone recently said to me that we need serenity to ask for the grace to see differently. It’s the first line in the Serenity Prayer. If we don’t have serenity we can’t accept reality. If we can’t accept reality we have no idea what is our responsibility or another’s in our relationships… We lack wisdom.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And, the wisdom to know the difference.”
Thank you for bestowing upon me the Grace needed to see, know and feel differently.
Knowing that I am love in every circumstance and within every relationship is truly loving myself, with a capital L. When I Love, I become Love and become only Loving. I loose the desire for special relationships and along with it the guilt and pain that fuels their existence. I can maintain a relationship without the need to be or feel special.
Today, I choose Love… And, when I choose egoically, I will know because the desire to achieve specialness always hurts. And, then I get to choose again.
Thank you for the blessings of life, of special relationships and their lessons in what Love is not. Love with a capitol L, is anything but special, it is unconditional, universal, infinite and omnipresent. Love is available to each and every one of us, whomever and wherever we are.
Have an Awesomely Loving Day,
Double Rainbow over Bedford Basin, NS
Rainbows symbolize healing.
May we all heal together.
So Be It.