Last evening I was out with a couple of gal pals catching up on several months of life stuff. As always, the question came up, “So… Met anyone lately?” Last time we were together, I remember distinctly, it was, “Is there anyone special in your life, at the moment?” This question always seems to come from people in relationships.
It’s interesting, people who have dogs don’t say, “Got a dog yet?”
Seriously, the ‘gotta man yet’ question always makes me cringe. Here’s why…
I am finally at a point in my life where I know I can live happily, and I do mean very happily without a man, a husband, a partner or a love interest. My proof is that I am more content, happy and free than I have ever been in my entire life and I am single.
There was a time in my life when I thought I had to be in a relationship. I internalized that to be happy I needed this disney fairly tale (yup, a 70’s child) or, my idea of what society deemed as successful: a husband/partner, a job with a good salary, nice car, nice house in a nice community, nice furniture, nice kids doing the right things, socializing with other couples regularly. Is the perfect picture missing anything? Yes, dogs.
Point being, I had all those things, and I was never happy, something was never quite right. I invested all of my happiness in others, what they did, didn’t do, say or think and was always, always disappointed. Why? Well, at first I thought I needed to live this fairly tale story. But, ever after never came….
I began to realize that the life style/fairy tale model that society promotes was not reality. And deep, deep down inside, I didn’t want it. I wanted to be free. Free to choose what I did with my time, how I invested my energy, who I spent my time, energy, thoughts and feelings with.
I didn’t care about money as much as I thought I should. Sure I want to be comfortable, but to what end? My health, my sanity? I also experienced situations where my values and beliefs were in conflict with my work environment, some of my friends and even people I was in serious relationships with. Yes, that was scary. But, it was telling me something about myself.
I realized that when I tried to fit into a peg that wasn’t the right size or shape…it was very, very uncomfortable. Painful. My illusion began to crack when I realized that these people didn’t love me because they didn’t know me. The real me. It took time to work through this but, the truth of the matter was, I didn’t know me. How can anyone know me, if I don’t even know myself?
I endeavoured to find out who this Judi was. Its been several years since this journey began. I can now say that I know my ‘self’. And, what’s most important, I am comfortable in my own light and in my shadow.
Life and love should not have to be complicated. In fact, if it is painful, it is not love. It is an emotional connection with another person based on self serving fear projections. The other person with whom we are emotionally connected has them too. If they didn’t the connection could not be maintained.
I have had too many relationships where I held on to people fearful of what life would be like with them and without them. Terrified to let go. That’s not love, it’s a form of bondage.
When life was painful, it was because I repeatedly chose what did not fit me, what did not suit me or what was not in my best interest. I have become much more discerning about who and what I want in my life. Today, I have great joy in my life, consistent serenity, not because of what others do, or say, or think, but because of what I do, and say, and think, for and about myself.
The more I allow myself to be who Judi truly is, the more content I am. And, if that means that I am happy living my life exactly as it is, then I would say that I am a minority right now. A happy minority, at that.
I heard recently that success can only be measured by one’s level of internal peace. I do not know who the author was who coined that phrase. When I heard it, it resonated with me. For me, Judi, success today is much different than what I idealized as success in the past.
I am grateful for the mind shift and the journey to get here. And, I graciously thank all those who participated, willingly or not.
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©Judi Risser We Are All Awakening